ITS ON !
Dec 12 2011 My son was born at 6:20 pm, I told myself before the birth that i would keep a journal so that one day my son can read what his daddy did when he was growing up. I will try to make entry's as often as possible but we will see how we go. I want my boy to realise what we give for him and to maybe show him what i believe to be the path of a man.
BIRTHDAY .....
We had planned a normal birth but my son decided that he liked his mum way too much and wanted a longer stay at mommy hotel so we decided on a C section to get him out in the world safely. OK to set the scene Dad is in the waiting room in scrubs and mum is in surgery getting prepared for what I'm sure must have scared the absolute shit out of her cos it did me. The nurses led me into the operating theatre and my wife was laying calm and still. After a small amount of sucking noises i heard what can only be described as a healthy set of lungs. I was soon presented with a healthy baby boy, i was so scared i would hurt him the first time i held him i was shaking all over, I then took my boy over to mum for a cuddle. That fist moment was definitely something special as mum and baby saw each other for the first time..... Then he was taken and i got the chance to cut the cord, hands shaking much ? Then it was back to mum for a cuddle after only about five minutes a nurse told us mum needs to go to recovery dad can sit in the room and wait for an hour or so with baby. It was that moment that i realised the bond a mother shares with her baby, the look on mums face nearly broke daddy's heart. As mum looked ready to burst into tears daddy followed the nurse back to our room.
REALITY .....
The nurse plops me in a chair and puts baby in my arms and informs me mummy will be in recovery for a few hours. Two and a half hours later mum is wheeled in from recovery looking exhausted. Daddy's forearms have pins and needles from holding baby still for those hours but i am happy to have everyone together, well almost everyone as i count our puppy dog a member of the family as well.
Baby took a little milk from mum and all was well for a couple of hours that's when things began to heat up a little or cool down i should say, The hospital has an automated ventilation system that blows air around the clock it makes the rooms more than a little breezy, combine this with a C section baby and we got lots of mucus being coughed up all night daddy spends most of the night pulling dribbles of mucus from baby's mouth and making sure mum gets a few hours sleep. The next day i had to leave to feed the dog and have a coffee to recharge. I return an hour later to find 3 nurses crowded around mummy and baby in quite a bit of distress. Seems the milk isn't quite in yet. Now just to let new dads know i didn't realise but over the weeks of anti natal classes chats with midwives and just general media there is HUGE pressure on mummy's to breast feed. EVERYONE is all about it and that's all good, But the pressure a new mum feels to get this one vital thing right is HUGE. This to me was the point when i had to bear up and be strong for mum and baby it is now maybe 10 am i haven't had any sleep but i feel wonderful (we will See how long that lasts ...) soon we try to feed baby again, and again we have some trouble mum and baby are now getting really upset and yet more nurses head in to try and help. At some point baby had a little feed and both mum and bub doze off. I keep getting up and down to check baby is still well and everyone gets some rest.
VISITORS + FEEDS
A short visit from nan n pop and we are back to trying to feed, baby doesn't seem that stressed but mum looks like she is ready to break tired in pain and I'm sure feeling like she is failing her son and me. I have been on line in the few spare minutes i have researching C section birth and i am starting to form my own ideas about what is going on. The night drags on slowly and finally at 3 am mum sheds her first tear, Now baby if you ever read this you will realise what true courage is when you grow to be a man with your own family and you see what a woman has to endure to bring you into this world, i can only hope that i teach you well to always respect and treat all women with the respect and love that all men should show. Needle in the back ....No tears , Cut across the tummy, No tears, Think for a second that your starving your baby and it unleashes a torrent. Finally with help from the nurses both mum and bub fall asleep.
After 30 minutes or so mummy starts to snore with a combination on heavy painkillers and a sore tummy i was just happy to see her rest. But then baby decided he wants to wake up i cant remember how long it took to get you back to sleep but when i did i took a photo because i was so happy, during this time mummy had woken up a bit and i assured her it was all OK, Honestly; she didn't look convinced it was all OK but she returned to sleep after a while, and then the snoring, and then the baby was awake again !! Awww Sheeet i was gonna take a nap !! Morning came and mum looked a little bit better but was still upset. Daddy had to go home to check on puppy and make sure the house was all set. Every four or five hours from the start i have run home to care for my puppy for at least 30 Min's of cuddles and food and toilet. Nearly a full tank of petrol gone and i feel guilty for stopping to get something to eat, i tell myself that I'm crazy and that's the guilt mummy is fighting and i must be strong. I pull the car over and cry for a few moments then i listen to my favourite song (You cant bring me down, ST ) Soon I'm good to go, tired but happy.
FEEEEED !
Hospital makes time blur together and after a stressful day daddy at 12 midnight got 2 hours of rest and awoke to feel worse than he thought but still feeling guilty for sleeping and leaving mum with baby when she is in so much pain. Just the look on mums face told me she was feeling like she had failed you again, Thee feeding crisis continues until the next morning where at about 7 am one of the nurses got a feed out of mummy and daddy had to take baby to the other end of the hospital. After your crib had been walked around the waiting room for a few kilometres you slept soundly as did mummy and a kind nurse spoke to daddy after he had his second breakdown all just because you had the farts.
Finally some genius comes up with the idea to use a nipple shield because baby had a set of strong jaws and needed to learn how to feed. Suddenly we have milk REJOICE !!! Baby has a feed i do some burping n changing and we are on our way to recovery ! But life isn't that easy and we needed to jump a few more hurdles yet.
NO VISITORS MORE FEEDS ...
Daddy about now cracked the shits and told the nurses that i want no visitors at all "If the pope drops by to bless him tell him to come back later as mummy and baby need rest" I spend this day guarding the door checking on baby and checking on puppy. I am so knackered now i can hear baby cry even when he isnt near me. We are supposed to go home tomorrow and with feeding slowly improving and mum looking a little better i am hope full but all my hopes are shattered when the nurses tell me that baby has lost more than 10% body weight and cant go home yet. I am shattered as i watch all my hard work crumble mummy looks like she is going to throw up and baby starts to cry on cue, as if he knows mum is upset, Soon i clear the nurses and calm everyone. Telling mummy that it will be all OK i would step up and handle the situation. I spoke with the nurses and developed a plan with help from them i would get this baby feeding and mummy feeling well enough to go home. I purchased a new bassinet thingy with wheels on it so you could be moved at home i messaged mummy the pictures in a hope it would help i don't know if she ever received them but i like to think it helped knowing i was a man of action not words. Flat pack bassinet unpacked and built in 17 minutes went and brought more Nappy's as i had used so many ripping them up until i realised its Velcro not a sticker and i could stop the impossible task of trying to get to the sticky bit.
By now mummy's strenght was starting to return and after i spoke with her she seemed much better the nipple shield was like a gift from above but i was still scared every time we went for a feed. I would leave the room and be racked with guilt as to if the nurses thought i was a bad father for leaving at a crucial time. No i decided i was not, this is something mummy and baby had to learn on there own. Soon we have sleep, well i did for about four hours i awake to see mummy with baby and again i feel guilty, i go to get a coffee and have a small breakdown for a few minutes and go to the car for a moment to gather myself.
ONE MORE NIGHT
By now with a few hours sleep under my belt, Ha ha 4 ! I head to the 24 hour Kmart to buy a gate for the hallway to keep puppy from going in baby's room i also buy other assorted stuff that i deemed important at the time, The house is so close to perfect i rush back to the hospital and see baby and mummy then its back out to go to the supermarket at 6 am when it opens one huge shopping to get mummy baby and puppy treats and daddy is on his way back to the hospital !!! Waiting for the all important weigh in my guts feels terrible and i am mighty tired of running back home to see puppy every few hours. I just want my little family at home so i can start to care for them. By now reality has set in and i call my boss to ask for more time off he doesn't sound happy and now i need to call the store owner to work something out. I feel sick but i keep this to myself as i can see the finish line now and champions never quit near the end.
THE WEIGH IN
Like a title fight boxer baby is stripped down and ready to go swinging punches he looks to be in with a fighting chance i look over to the blue corner with mummy looking on hoping the little man scores a KO at the weigh in . . . . . BOOM , KO back to birth weight what a champion ! The announcer steps up " Winner by Technical weight gain . . . BABY !" The crowd go's wild and we can go home ! Damn i need a coffee and something to eat i have got to be safe to drive home. One look at mum and baby and i know they are happy and well i feel like i might just have done a good job and i eat the food is good guilt free is definitely the way to eat !
Back to it ... Tyre pressure Check, Oil Check, Climate control on Check, Bags loaded Check. Wait a few nerve racking minutes for baby and mummy and then out they come mummy carrying baby and then daddy spends a good while learning to use the car seat it feels so strange to strap something so small and tiny into what now looks like a huge seat. Soon baby is secure mummy is as comfortable as she can be after such a major operation i can see while I'm driving the bumps hurt mummy's belly and i feel bad and try to drive as smoothly as possible after a short trip we arrive home and as mummy takes baby to see his room i take the puppy for a long deserved walk I feel at peace and walk the dog and enjoy the sunshine. I return home to find mummy and baby happy feeding and as well as can be expected i collapse on the couch and catch a few hours sleep.
A Blissful day of rest and thankfully we had Nana helping out, I managed a trip to K-mart to buy a whiteboard to record feeds on and a whole bunch of alarm clocks because i don't think just one will wake me ! New nappy bin and I'm ready to go !! I buy a mince pie for dinner but when i cook it it tastes like hospital food to me but mummy seems pleased and both of you have a good feed and we try to start a sleep feed cycle. Daddy sleeps a bit on the couch and then for the graveyard shift daddy decides again to spring into action getting baby to sleep with much trial and error and not having to wake mummy until your feed time. Woo Hoo mummy got more than 2 hours sleep in her own bed !! Daddy spent quite a bit of time and try's everything from Beethoven to clocks before i realised that my boy just wanted a cuddle and i told you silly story's and told you for the first time how much i love you ! Some boys have to wait until there very old to hear that because not more than a few years ago it was not proper for daddy's to have feelings and saying those words came hard for your dad's father. But back to our tale ..... Finally baby and mummy were sleeping daddy cleaned and scrubbed the house looked after puppy and decided that when it was all said and done even though he was tired he needed to write these things down from time to time so that we don't forget the little things.
OUR 1st HOME VISIT
Mummy awoke to find daddy on the computer typing and thinking about tonight when he will have to tell his boss he will need at least six weeks off to look after baby and mummy (I don't think that's gonna go down well but we will see what happens). Daddy made sure there was scented candles and soft music daddy desperately needed these next few feeds to go well. After the early feed mummy told daddy that the home midwife survive was coming to our house to check on baby. Hmmmmm..... i thought to myself; the baby police are coming ! Fair enough too with all the dumb asses out there, 11 am was the time....early for our first real day home and i believe they do this to check if you live in a tip with baby's kept in cages and crack labs in the playroom. Daddy started cleaning while mummy had a shower the midwife came and was really quite nice. mummy got out of the shower and we all checked baby's weight together, GAIN ! If this was a computer game +1 STR ! Mummy then had her staples out and baby fell asleep on daddy's chest because daddy was very worried about mummy. Baby fed again and off to sleep daddy did some more washing and played with puppy now he is typing and soon daddy lays on the couch with the baby monitor at his ear waiting to see what comes next, finally at 8 o'clock daddy heads to bed and sleeps until 2 am. By 2:48 i have baby and mummy back to sleep and i feel OK.
4:31 am 18-12-2011....Inspiration eludes me this morning, must be the lack of sleep or maybe now the story has caught up to itself, stress and exhaustion are catching up with me. Not that i don't feel good, i feel great but i find however my mind tends to dwell on the future a lot and i worry about mummy constantly. It looks like baby is feeding OK this morning and i can only hope he gives his mum a good sleep.
